We all make up rules for ourselves, whether we’re conscious of doing it or not. In the privacy of our minds, we decide on what we ‘should’ do, and what we ‘shouldn’t’. We tend to flood with worry or guilt when we do something we’ve privately agreed we shouldn’t do, but not give a second though to the behaviors we think we should.
Being raised in an abusive household, my childhood was filled with shoulds that stuck with me well into adulthood. There was a little voice in my head scolding me when I felt too confidently about my decisions. It made me second-guess everything from big choices to the most basic reflexes. This voice warned I wasn’t doing enough for others, that I should put my own interests last, always. When I did do something for myself, it meant I was failing someone else, some other responsibility.
You don’t have to have come from an abusive childhood to have developed similar reflexes. Some of the people I love most in the world punish themselves almost constantly with shoulds. Almost all of my husband’s free time is eaten up by errands and chores he’s assigned himself and decided he should take care of sooner than later. I see family members constantly putting themselves last, to the extent their needs are never met and exhaustion always looms. I see friends succumbing to pointless trends, constructing their lives around what social media, or fashion, or the people around them think they should be doing, or what they should look like, or what they should be interested in.
Those of us who fall prey to should have good, open hearts. We want to do our best. We want to be good people, and be there for others. There’s nothing in modern society that reminds us to question our impulses to sacrifice self, endlessly.
So, I’m asking you to question it.
Where are do your shoulds come from? Are they even valid? Who will actually care if you ignore them? What consequences will there be?
I had to train myself, through hard inner work, to destroy the voice in my head trying to keep me small and behaving as a doormat. I recognized it as the echo of my abuser and taught myself to view it with only disgust until it no longer had any power over me.
Ask yourself, why are you putting yourself last? Doesn’t your opinion count as much as that of others around you?
Why do you keep giving and giving without stopping to wonder why, and when the giving will end?
Why are you giving others so much power over your happiness?
Identify your shoulds. Seek them out. Dig to discover where they came from. Give yourself permission to let them go.
Maybe nothing bad will happen if you put your desires first. Happiness is a choice. If you choose your happiness, and pursue actions instinctively, because you want to and not because you should, you can transform your whole life.
You have the power to release the blocks standing in the way of peace and joy. No one is making you hurt yourself like this. No one can stop you from trying a different choice to see if that makes things better or worse.
We all get stuck in patterns, walking the same circles over and over again. Suffering teaches us these patterns are hurting rather than helping. If you suffer, seek out the reasons why. Save yourself from suffering by unlearning as much as you can.
Every day gives us a fresh start. You can make different choices today than you did yesterday, for no good reason other than you want to. What rules have you been living by, that you can let go? Find one—just one—and release it. Untie the knot and see how you feel.
I find new assumptions and shoulds all the time. For instance, just this week I realized I thought I should finish something I start to write. Why? Where did that should come from? Will the world end if I don’t finish something I don’t want to finish? No!
When I spot that kind of should now, I grow excited to have revealed it and can’t wait to smash it to dust. Trust me that it feels incredible to make your life easier!
Stop setting rules for yourself. Let life guide you instead. Let it flow naturally and just take the ride. Do what you have the desire and opportunity to do, with your whole heart, and release the rest. Follow joy, avoid suffering. Your choice to suffer helps no one.
Suffering is not expected of you, by gender roles, or labels, or anyones expectations. Why would you let anyone expect your suffering? Why do you think you owe it to them?
There is not a single thing women should do just because they’re women. Men should not be expected to behave certain ways because they are men. Hardworking people should not fill all their spare time catering to the whims of others, or lists of self-imposed chores, or enabling the lazy or the cruel, just because they think the world will fall apart if they don’t.
It won’t fall apart. You’re just hurting yourself for no good reason.
Enjoy life. Transform it into something freer and kinder.
There are no rules here. Pursue what you love. The rest will take care of itself.
Love and blessings, friends.