September 2019 - Meaning of Life

About a year ago, when I was right in the thick of my spiritual awakening, I was experiencing a plethora of physical and mental symptoms that made me feel absolutely miserable. I was desperate to figure out what in the world was going with me on. So, I went to the doctor for a full physical and asked them to run every blood test they could. The results came back perfectly normal. I was healthy. Could of fooled me!

I had no spiritual mentor by my side to inform me my symptoms were CAUSED by my awakening. I had to figure that out on my own. So, I’m writing this post to help anyone else who may be also going through this. Know that the negative facets of these symptoms have since faded away, so there is a light (literally!) at the end of the tunnel.

A common misconception is that enlightenment lifts us out of the drudgery of our life into a blissful state. It’s also believed enlightenment is something reserved for the elite, the zen masters, and those living in monasteries. But enlightenment awaits all of us, possibly in this lifetime. It is nothing but the realization of a truth that already belongs to you—you only need to chose to see it.

Spiritual awakenings are an unmaking. They are thorough and nothing is spared scrutiny or transformation. Our concept of self, on all levels, is dismantled and destroyed piece by piece. Every attachment we have, both subtle and profound—all labels, anything we have decided we are—crumbles away. What’s left is pure truth and oneness. It’s incredibly difficult to even put words to what is left behind after this process, but it is freeing in every possible way. Enlightenment leaves us lighter, clearer, and aware on a high level.

But we’re not hermetic monks living isolated in caves. Life goes on.

When we go through this process, there are side effects. This is not widely known or talked about outside the circle of hardcore devotees in the spiritual/mystical community. I certainly had no idea what I was getting into once I’d begun to go down this path.

Adyashanti talks in detail about this in his book, The End of Your World: Uncensored Straight Talk on the Nature of Enlightenment, which I highly recommend. Awakening—especially an abiding awakening—removes all of the blocks we’ve been carrying around with us which have been crushing our spirit. Maintaining all of our attachments, beliefs, and the heavy concept of Self costs us a huge amount of energy. When these are finally released, it unleashes a massive tidal wave of energy in our systems. This influx of freed energy effects everything—our physical bodies, the way we think, the way we feel, the way we see the world, and how we participate in it. These are permanent shifts as our being is literally remade from the energetic level upwards. Getting through it requires courage and endurance. It’s a big deal!

In comparing who I was before this process, a few years ago, to now—I’m a completely different person, in the sense that the “person” I was no longer is. The “I” has been dissolved, leaving behind only being. I could never have predicted what I’d be going through. As Adyashanti tells us, awakening is gritty, intense, and not for the faint of heart. It’s the definition of unsettling, as every aspect of who we are is reshaped. He says this process took 4-5 years for him. It’s been a few years for me as well, but the length of time is different for everyone. For some it happens all at once, instantly, but this is rare.

Listed below are specific side effects Adyashanti describes, as well as a few other side effects I’ve seen included in several lists of symptoms for spiritual awakenings. I’m only going to talk about the major ones I’ve personally experienced and can attest to, but know that some lists expand to include up to 40 different possible symptoms!

Insomnia, Restlessness & Heart Palpitations

It’s very common for those going through the awakening process to have insomnia because of all the powerful energy that is suddenly released through us. It charges us up and pushes “tiredness” farther from our grasp. The biggest problem with insomnia caused by awakening is how frequently in our culture we’re told we need at least 8 hours of sleep in order to escape dangerous consequences. When we’re only sleeping 3-4 hours max a night for months, we start to panic, doubt, and cause ourselves unneeded harm. We lay in bed thinking “I won’t be able to function tomorrow. It’s going to be awful.” This thought gains strength as we convince ourselves of it, so it becomes reality. That doesn’t mean it’s true. It will not be true unless you accept it as true.

Instead, believe your body knows the amount of rest it needs. If you don’t sleep, that’s because your body doesn’t need the rest at that moment. Trust it. Keep going, believe in your strength, and have faith in the Source energy making up all of our beings to get you through this.

I had severe insomnia for months at the beginning of my awakening. Some nights I didn’t sleep at all. I’d go two or three days on three hours sleep. When I let go of my fear and surrendered to what I was experiencing, I realized I was fine. I kept functioning without much sleep. And then, sleep came back. Now, my sleep is heavy, deep, and full of wild, vivid dreams (but that’s a whole other story).

Along with the inability to feel tired in “normal” ways, on a set schedule, you may also be twitchy or restless, with your limbs sometimes having a mind of their own. A leg will kick out or your arm will rise. Your heart may pound in your chest. This is caused by the awakening energy moving through you. Like everything else, once you’ve gotten adjusted to your new being, it’ll ease. Breathing exercises and meditation may help in the moment.

Rewiring of the Mind

Eckhart Tolle has said when he was going through his awakening, there were several years where it was a struggle to use his mind to do work. Adyashanti explains his mind felt like an old fashioned telephone switchboard, removing one plug and manually switching it to another slot. During my experience, my mind slowed way, way down. For instance, as an author, it became a massive struggle to type correctly. I’d misspell words constantly (even my own name), the connection between brain and fingers not at all reliable. I’d intend to speak something and getting it out that way was not easy. In general, there was a mental sluggishness I couldn’t escape.

This happens during awakening because our minds completely reorganize the way they function and process everything. The way we receive information, digest it, and react to it changes entirely. Like the energy wave, there is no resisting this. You just have to ride it out. I can tell you the way my mind works now is clearer, sharper, with more focus and much less noise.

Adyashanti explains humans tend to have 10% of their thoughts consist of functional thought. The other 90% is made up of stories we tell ourselves about what we think is happening, fantasies, mental rehearsals we indulge in, and “thinking about thinking”. This 90% has mostly to do with things that have already happened or we think are going to happen. After awakening, Adyashanti’s experience (and mine) is functional thought becomes the majority. But an almost bigger change is the amount of mental quiet. There’s a brand new experience of mental stillness, with hardly any thought at all, and just observation of the now. It’s profoundly peaceful and transformative.

Memory Loss

This is a complicated one for me, because I already had severe memory loss due to CPTSD caused by prolonged childhood abuse. Most of my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood were inaccessible to me. During awakening, I lost even more. The shift magnified the importance of the current moment, and everything that’s happened before is now released more easily.

I’ve just accepted that my memory is always going to be poor. Planning is still sharp, it’s the recollection of the past that gets me, because honestly I don’t really care to recollect it. My thoughts don’t dwell in the past. I write things down in journals to keep track of moments I want to preserve, keep a clear schedule, and don’t worry when someone asks for details of a past event that have softened in my mind. As the past stretches out behind me, I still know what happened, it’s the details and specifics that can sometimes escape me. And that’s okay. This is another common awakening effect that Adyashanti tells us he’s seen quite often during his spiritual teachings.

Ringing Sounds

My right ear’s ringing right now as I write this! There’s debate about what causes it, but it’s one of the top symptoms of awakening on many lists. It’s not a ringing in the ears like tinnitus as much as a hearing of a ringing sound or tones. It comes and goes. For me, this has been increasing rapidly as a frequent daily occurrence. It used to just happen during meditation or rest, but now it happens whenever, wherever. The ringing can be different tones, different ears, and different volumes.

Some theories on what this is: a sign of ascension as we become more sensitive to high frequencies; the noise of creation as our world shifts to a higher vibration; higher beings, guides, and angels communicating directly with us; downloads of energy from Source to aid in the progress of our awakening; an expansion of our ability to detect the energy frequencies of other beings around us; encouragement of our progress (ringing by the right ear) or a warning (ringing by the left ear).

Vertigo

Oh boy. I experienced vertigo that came and went for months with differing severity. Some days I was vomiting and unable to move from the intensity of it. Other days it was just a vague light-headedness. It never occurred to me that this was part of awakening until I did research on the ringing sounds and found this listed as a common symptom.

It ties into the flux of energy in our systems as we regulate and adjust to it. Since awakening is an intensifying of becoming the observer of reality, a pulling back to recalibrate what we understand existence is, I think of vertigo as the camera man having a moment of unsteadiness before re-securing his grip.

Aches & Exhaustion

The flux of new energy of our awakening causes highs and lows. Some days you will feel over-energized, others you’ll be completely exhausted. You may even feel achy like you’re getting sick. This is your body adjusting. Just rest and give yourself time.

How to Cope

For each one of these symptoms, I can promise you our resistance to and fear of them only prolongs them. Once we surrender to our reality and what we feel, we begin to incorporate the changes into our being. The blocks dissolve and we’re left with the new truth of who we are. So, relax. Open yourself to whatever you’re experiencing. Let it be. Know you’ll be okay. And then, you will. You’ll settle into it and the struggle of transition will end.

Following this dismantling part of the process, new wonders await you. Awakening itself prompts us to become healthier by eating better, exercising regularly, and engaging in rigorous self-care. Beyond this, other things might begin to develop. An example is healing abilities. Some of the awakened can heal others just by being near them. In my experience, I’ve been able to heal myself in a number of specific ways. For instance, my eye sight has recently improved and I completely stopped grinding my teeth at night. I also don’t get sick unless it’s clear my body is trying to force me to rest more.

This process awaits each of us eventually. It’s at the core of our being, and the only way forward as we transform with love and truth. Growth can be challenging, even painful, but once you get to your destination, you’ll see exactly why it was all worthwhile.

Love and blessings, friends.

Our culture and society is not set up in a way that encourages a healthy, happy existence. Everything around us boasts the importance of Doing. Our actions, the ways we fill our days, the efforts we make, the manner in which we pursue pleasure and relaxation—it all stems from things outside of ourselves. We’re told to think our value, our joy, our rest, our worth, can only come from what we Do.

This is not true!

Seeing the truth requires a major shift in perspective. We need to relearn how we approach everything from the moment we wake in the morning, to when we go back to sleep at night.

The key is accepting our value is already established and cannot diminish. It comes from our Soul, our eternal Being. Circumstances are temporary and do not change who we are. Nothing you Do outside yourself adds any value to who you are. If anything, it distracts from it. Looking without instead of within traps us into a pattern of thinking we aren’t already good enough, which isn’t true. Anything you could ever need is inside you right now. You don’t need anyone or anything to access it. Just love and patience.

We’re used to chasing pleasure outside ourselves, too. The things we plan on weekends, evenings, and holidays involve travel, socializing, spending money, or pursing experiences. These all have their place and entertainment value, but too often we believe deep within ourselves that these things should fill a void inside. We think the “perfect” vacation, the “perfect” date, the “perfect” party will finally, finally, be that thing we’ve been missing that will finally make us happy and fulfilled. When they don’t do that, we feel we’re not good enough, didn’t try hard enough, and are privately bitterly disappointed, even if we had “a good time”.

How often have you looked forward to plans, building up in your mind how they’d be the thing you need to turn your whole world around and make it all worthwhile? Only to be frustrated with the reality?

There’s a reason for this. It’s simple. We need to appreciate our Being instead of our Doing.

Being is constant. It’s there day and night for the entire length of your life on this planet. No matter what’s happening around you, whether you’re sitting in a traffic jam or sitting on a beach on a beautiful day, you can find comfort, love, wholeness, and much more just by loving yourself and appreciating the gift of being alive, of being in the now.

Being who you are is enough. It’s the way to experiencing peace and joy as your normal daily condition, no matter what’s in your bank account or on your schedule. Being is our connection to the Source of all creation. It links us with all of existence. It’s our Divinity.

Clear away the noise and fear. Untangle the knots dragging you down and creating stress. Release all notions of what you should be Doing. Only Do things you want to Do, not because you feel you should.

Life is like a river. It flows naturally. We’re not the ones in charge of the currents. We’re just floating along riding it out. That’s the way to an easy, pleasant trip—float! Don’t swim against the currents. Don’t create resistance to what Is. Acceptance and surrender to the flow means everything will take care of itself. You won’t need to Do anything! Doing becomes unnecessary when you are able to Be.

I know it may sound hard to believe. I know you’ve been taught to think life doesn’t work that way, that we need to break our backs working under the rules of society in order to survive. But those expectations were set by other people who feed off of our struggles to satisfy their own greed for money and power. They’re lying to you. Money, status, appearances—they don’t matter. They’re the trap. They’re what’s making you miserable, because the endless, frantic chase for them distracts you from Being.

They can’t charge you for Being, so they don’t want you to think you could be happy right now without paying them money for the privilege.

They don’t want you to know your value isn’t up for debate, that you’re already perfect just the way you are because you’re a spark of Divinity itself. They’d rather you fear aging, and obsess over body image, and fashion, and skin care, and all the rest of it, because our fear and misery makes them a lot of money!

You don’t need to go anywhere or buy tickets to a restful day. You can be right where you are, and meditate, or go for a walk, or play music and dance, and Be. Taking care of your Being is true rest. It’s free.

If this all sounds ridiculous, and too good to be true, I invite you to test it out. Let go of all preconceived ideas about Doing. Stop doing anything, other than what you want. If there’s something you’d secretly like to do for yourself, even if it’s just to lay in bed all day and not talk to anyone, even over the phone or internet, do that. Your instincts will always guide you toward what you need most to rebalance yourself.

Stop thinking about tomorrow or worrying about yesterday. Just be here now. Today. In this moment. Breathe the air. Feel the energy pulsing through your body. Do some stretches. Listen to the sounds around you. Look for something beautiful to appreciate. Ground yourself in the moment. What it gives you will be more subtle and quiet than what you’re used to, but its gifts are everlasting and endless.

Once you start practicing this, anything can be a pleasure! Washing the dishes and feeling the warm, bubbly water on your hands. Sitting in a waiting room to rest your feet and catch your breath, clear your mind. Seeing people you care about and appreciating the connection you have, and the ways you learn from each other every day. There are blessings all around us. Pay attention to them!

We are all we have. Sometimes the idea of that is used to scare, but no one can ever take you away from yourself. The love you can give yourself well outmatches what anyone else can ever give you. Use that. Be kinder to yourself. Stop doing so much, and just be who you are. Because you’re beautiful, from the inside out.