Month: August 2019

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Letting Go of ‘Should’

We all make up rules for ourselves, whether we’re conscious of doing it or not. In the privacy of our minds, we decide on what we ‘should’ do, and what we ‘shouldn’t’. We tend to flood with worry or guilt when we do something we’ve privately agreed we shouldn’t do, but not give a second though to the behaviors we think we should.

Being raised in an abusive household, my childhood was filled with shoulds that stuck with me well into adulthood. There was a little voice in my head scolding me when I felt too confidently about my decisions. It made me second-guess everything from big choices to the most basic reflexes. This voice warned I wasn’t doing enough for others, that I should put my own interests last, always. When I did do something for myself, it meant I was failing someone else, some other responsibility.

You don’t have to have come from an abusive childhood to have developed similar reflexes. Some of the people I love most in the world punish themselves almost constantly with shoulds. Almost all of my husband’s free time is eaten up by errands and chores he’s assigned himself and decided he should take care of sooner than later. I see family members constantly putting themselves last, to the extent their needs are never met and exhaustion always looms. I see friends succumbing to pointless trends, constructing their lives around what social media, or fashion, or the people around them think they should be doing, or what they should look like, or what they should be interested in.

Those of us who fall prey to should have good, open hearts. We want to do our best. We want to be good people, and be there for others. There’s nothing in modern society that reminds us to question our impulses to sacrifice self, endlessly.

So, I’m asking you to question it.

Where are do your shoulds come from? Are they even valid? Who will actually care if you ignore them? What consequences will there be?

I had to train myself, through hard inner work, to destroy the voice in my head trying to keep me small and behaving as a doormat. I recognized it as the echo of my abuser and taught myself to view it with only disgust until it no longer had any power over me.

Ask yourself, why are you putting yourself last? Doesn’t your opinion count as much as that of others around you?

Why do you keep giving and giving without stopping to wonder why, and when the giving will end?

Why are you giving others so much power over your happiness?

Identify your shoulds. Seek them out. Dig to discover where they came from. Give yourself permission to let them go.

Maybe nothing bad will happen if you put your desires first. Happiness is a choice. If you choose your happiness, and pursue actions instinctively, because you want to and not because you should, you can transform your whole life.

You have the power to release the blocks standing in the way of peace and joy. No one is making you hurt yourself like this. No one can stop you from trying a different choice to see if that makes things better or worse.

We all get stuck in patterns, walking the same circles over and over again. Suffering teaches us these patterns are hurting rather than helping. If you suffer, seek out the reasons why. Save yourself from suffering by unlearning as much as you can.

Every day gives us a fresh start. You can make different choices today than you did yesterday, for no good reason other than you want to. What rules have you been living by, that you can let go? Find one—just one—and release it. Untie the knot and see how you feel.

I find new assumptions and shoulds all the time. For instance, just this week I realized I thought I should finish something I start to write. Why? Where did that should come from? Will the world end if I don’t finish something I don’t want to finish? No!

When I spot that kind of should now, I grow excited to have revealed it and can’t wait to smash it to dust. Trust me that it feels incredible to make your life easier!

Stop setting rules for yourself. Let life guide you instead. Let it flow naturally and just take the ride. Do what you have the desire and opportunity to do, with your whole heart, and release the rest. Follow joy, avoid suffering. Your choice to suffer helps no one.

Suffering is not expected of you, by gender roles, or labels, or anyones expectations. Why would you let anyone expect your suffering? Why do you think you owe it to them?

There is not a single thing women should do just because they’re women. Men should not be expected to behave certain ways because they are men. Hardworking people should not fill all their spare time catering to the whims of others, or lists of self-imposed chores, or enabling the lazy or the cruel, just because they think the world will fall apart if they don’t.

It won’t fall apart. You’re just hurting yourself for no good reason.

Enjoy life. Transform it into something freer and kinder.

There are no rules here. Pursue what you love. The rest will take care of itself.

Love and blessings, friends.

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The Importance of Silence

We live in a world that loves to hear itself talk. Constantly surrounded by noisy electronics, screens, music, news, advertising, podcasts, and oh so many people, the only way to enjoy some peace and quiet anymore is to actively seek it. What’s our motivation to do that? Silence is boring, isn’t it? For many, relaxation means tuning out inner “noise” with outer entertainment and diversion.

Find out who you are

I’m an introvert. My husband and both children are introverts. Our home is quieter than most. We all have our different sanctuaries corners within it where we regularly retreat, but we’ve also learned how to be comfortably quiet together, and to respect each other’s needs to interact or not. Even still, every single day I carve out time to be alone and away from everything except nature. I need it as much as I need food or air. So, I’m clearly biased, but I hope you’ll humor me for a little longer.

Silence is the gateway to listening, which results in understanding. I’m sure we all know people who speak only to hear the sound of their own voice. The moment anyone else replies to them, their eyes glaze over, impatiently awaiting their next chance to speak, the gears in their head turning as new words sit on the tip of their tongue, not listening to anything being said. But it’s not just the mindless talkers. We all fill the space around us with noise and activity. It’s part of our culture and the age we live in. We’re always busy, always surrounded by others, always trying to get just a few minutes to ourselves to zone out by… what? Watching TV, or Netflix, or playing on our phones, maybe.

The only way we’ll ever get to know who we are is by spending quiet time with ourselves. That’s why we’re here! That’s the purpose of our lives! To grow in understanding of who we are in the privacy of our own selves, to tap into the mystery of our soul and, by doing so, find peace.

How will you ever know what will actually bring you joy unless you search quietly within yourself for the answer? How do you even go out in the world every day and expect to find what you’re looking for there if there’s no real inner understanding of self? Why do you think salvation is out there waiting for you in the first place (hint: we’re conditioned to think so). ALL of the answers to the questions you’re too afraid to ask are waiting for you right now inside your soul and your inner connection to all of existence and divinity itself.

Divinity waits in silence

The way to peace is silence. The way to joy is silence. The way to truth and understanding is silence. The way to cut through and block negativity is silence.

Your spirit and the energetic force of creation will communicate with you if you allow it, but ONLY if you allow it and listen for it. The voice of god comes through silence. It’s soft and gentle. It’s so easy to miss. But. BUT: if you allow it to have a voice in your stillness, it will continue and intensify its communication with you. The answers will flow more freely. The key lessons you incarnated in this life at this time to learn will reveal themselves to you more quickly and painlessly. You will achieve more than you’ve ever dreamed possible!

This life is not about any external thing. It’s not about any other person, or place, or job, or achievement, or possession. It’s about YOU. It’s about you finding out who you are. It’s about you figuring out what needs healing inside your spirit and DOING that hard work so you will never have to do it again and can evolve as a spiritual being. The soul work we do on Earth is the only permanent change we can affect.

Period.

Once you heal yourself in some specific way, that progress is permanent. You’ll never have to relearn that lesson, ever, in any life. Once you identity the cycles you’re stuck in and break them, you are free of them forever! Think of it! Think of how wonderful it is to get to do for yourself exactly what you need to find eternal, profound peace. You don’t need any religion, or book, or guru, or meditation practice, or anything else. All you need is silence. 

It creates space. It allows room for the inner voice of your deepest self to speak up.

Be aware – ego fights back

I know this scares a lot of people. I have friends who have orchestrated their entire lives so that they are never, ever left alone with their thoughts. But what I’m urging here is not to get lost in thought. You are not your thoughts. Thought is the voice of ego. It’s full of cruel judgments and causes more suffering than anything else. The real you is the calm inner observer of thought. Silence waits for you once you let thought go. When you meditate, focus on the in and out motion of breath, on the feel of your body where it touches the ground or your chair, on the sound of birds in the trees nearby, or when you journal and turn inward.

The voice telling you silence is boring is ego and fear, afraid of losing their grip on you. Ego wants you to need media’s endless entertainment so you will remain a mindless drone who identifies with illusory external things for identity instead of discovering the only real truth waiting for you within your eternal soul.

Silence is freedom. It’s the way to find true peace right now, in this crazy, messed up world where Trump is president and the way to really start to enjoy your life every single day, no matter what’s going on around you.

When toxic people try to get a rise out of me, my go-to response is silence. The space it creates allows time and opportunity to consider a balanced, kind, appropriate reply before, or if, answering. There can be no argument or disagreement if only one person is participating. Silence prohibits the proliferation of more negativity and emotional imbalance. Own your space. Use it to create a cushion of comfort around you. This space is how healthy boundaries are made and enforced. No one can take your emotional energy from you if you don’t want them to have it. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your silence can be the gift that helps them correct their trajectory and find a healthier path.

Connection in stillness

Do you think you’re alone in life? It’s a common misconception. Do you believe you have to go through life fighting for yourself and your ego-identity? The “you” that’s made up of things like labels, and what your body looks like, and what you do to fill the days?

You’re not alone in life, ever. We are all connected and being constantly guided by forces you will not hear or feel until you get quiet and allow them space to come through. You’re bigger than this one life. You’re magnificent. Allow yourself to be magnificent!

You’re not here to somehow fix the world. Any instinct telling you that is ego. Every soul on Earth has their own journey and path to walk. Honor the paths of others and don’t cast judgment on them. Show compassion, but refrain from all judgment, as hard as that can be. None of it matters.

The ONLY thing that matters is you discovering your true self and learning how to connect with that. Your peace will transform not only your life but the lives of everyone you come in contact with. You will become the example they follow. We must help each other reconnect with creation and with each other. That’s how we transform this whole thing. That’s the answer.