Month: February 2019

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Judgement is a Roadblock to Happiness

What is judgement, really? How can we best understand it in order to avoid being controlled by it? We are more powerful than the instinct to criticize. We’re not helpless to succumb. Judgement is us choosing to tell ourselves, “you should feel bad because______.” We’re making the choice to inflict pain on ourselves, rather than choosing joy. We’re taking a weight onto our back to carry around and cause us misery, for no good reason. Being upset about some perceived slight does not fix any problems. It does no good.

That being said, there’s a weird mental circle I find myself getting stuck in over and over again. It goes something like this:

  • All of us as souls are equal. No one has more value or is “better” than anyone else.
  • We each have different perspectives and tools to work with. Our definition of what the “best” thing to do in any given situation is always unique.
  • Everyone is always doing what feels best to them, given their circumstances and perspective.
  • If everyone is equal, everyone is equally capable of understanding right vs. wrong. Everyone is equally able to choose right vs. wrong. (This is the most subjective part of this circle, admittedly, but I stand by the idea that we all are capable of choosing love over suffering.)
  • When someone chooses wrong, we should not judge them for it. We’re all at different stages of growth and learning, and should not compare ourselves to others.
  • When we see suffering because of a “wrong” choice, we should react with compassion, and remind ourselves we don’t know the full story behind what’s happening and why.
  • How do we resolve the truth of equality with the existence of so much suffering, especially when we see others actively creating suffering?

On the broader scale, how do we avoid judgements like, “I’m better than this person who has chosen to kill others”? Or “I’m better than this person who has hurt children”? If someone commits monstrous crimes such as murder or child abuse, how do we abstain from judgement and instead choose compassion?

Honestly, the only way I can answer that question is to point out that any time we choose to cast judgement, we’re choosing to carry a weight on our back. We’re choosing pain over joy. Our pain due to someone else’s actions does no undo those actions, it only spreads more pain. Our bad feelings do not affect the act that caused those feelings. If we can instead choose compassion for those choosing pain, and find ways to promote love and growth instead, we’re making an active difference. We’re contributing love and joy instead of more pain.

To give you a more specific example, I struggle with judgement of my neighbors. I live in an area where there are many elderly residents in large (mostly empty) houses. These people are increasingly incapable (physically or financially) of maintaining their property. They also don’t want to sell and move to someplace more manageable because they prefer the status, independence, and privacy of a big house. The result of this is that many, many old-growth trees in my neighborhood have been chopped down over the past few years. My neighbors prioritize their pride and personal comfort over the lives of beautiful creatures who’ve been around for hundreds of years.

Yesterday, one particular neighbor had a tree crew armed with chainsaws, hacking away at a pair of ancient trees the size of a seven-story building. I’ve spent many days admiring the beauty of these trees. I love them as much as I love some people. But this neighbor lives in a big old house by himself and it’s taxing to rake leaves every fall. I’ll admit to being overwhelmed with anger at this neighbor in that moment as the chainsaws were roaring. I was angry for a solid hour or two, going to the gym to use my feelings as fuel. The next day, I saw that those trees were still standing—they were just awkwardly shaped and missing several large branches which had been overhanging power lines. This showed me I’d carried my anger and tainted what would have otherwise been a joyful afternoon, for what? Nothing. My anger didn’t help the trees. Even if the trees had been completely removed, my anger would not bring them back.

If, instead, I had compassion for my neighbors because it’s a burden to take care of a piece of property, especially as we get older and less able to conquer physical tasks, and with a limited budget, my support would have made more of a difference. I could have offered to help them rake leaves. I could have chatted with them to show my affection for them as fellow humans trying to do our best in this small corner of the world. Promoting understanding and fellowship is a happier route than being quietly bitter about an imagined crime.

Every day of our lives we’re given choices. We’re faced with challenges. We have the freedom to do what we think is right, and the consequences are ours to face. That is unavoidable. So the best we can do is try to understand the ramifications of what we do, and to always try to choose joy and love over suffering. We’re all in this together. Helping one another also helps us help ourselves, and will progress us farther towards a happier world than creating divisions of judgement.

Love and blessings, friends.

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The Trap of Trying

At the heart of Buddhism are the Four Noble Truths. The first is that suffering exists in life. The second truth is that this suffering is caused by selfish craving and personal desire. The implications of this truth are at the heart of what I want to focus on today, because this is really the key to finding—and maintaining—happiness.

In our world we are taught to expect life to go a certain way. Selfish craving and personal desire are behind so many aspects of how we choose to live our lives. We’re trained that there’s a specific formula to success, which includes things like college, a career path in which we attain power and wealth, a grand home and impressive cars we own, filled with a beautiful spouse and perfect children, then a happy, healthy retirement of leisure. These become subconscious entitlements we carry around in the depths of our being. When we fail to attain them, we criticize ourselves for it. We feel it as a profound failure.

I’m here to tell you that this false formula to achieving the “correct” life is not real. We are not here in these lives at this time and place in order to coast through some weird fairytale version of existence where nothing goes wrong, and people don’t ever encounter failure or diverge from the one acceptable path. That’s total and utter nonsense.

What is life all about then?

Life is about learning.

But, learning what? That’s the key.

Your higher self knows why you’re here. Your conscious mind is not born with this knowledge. It’s hidden from you. We’re here to discover our path and our purpose.

How do we do this?

By listening to our heart, our soul, our emotions, and our intuition. Our higher self and our guides communicate to us through these four things. In the course of our life, in normal day-to-day reality, we encounter challenges of all shapes and sizes. Some are banal and others are momentous. When faced with them, all we can do—all we need to do—is our best. Give your best effort. Take each challenge as it comes, and focus only on it. Let everything else go. This is the way to progress and rapid learning.

The biggest way we trap ourselves, diverting from our true path and wasting so very much time, is by trying. Our mind—fueled by ego and fear—prompts us to worry about what we think we really should be doing instead of what comes naturally. It presents these weird ideas to us about what our life should look like, what we should do to earn the respect and admiration of others, and hypnotizes us into believing in mirages.

It’s so easy to find you’ve stepped off your path and into a labyrinth with no end. I’ve done it so many times. I’ve been convinced that only through satisfying other people (people who are impossible to satisfy), will I ever have worth. I’ve believed that only through grueling, endless, exhausting work for little reward would I ever get to my goals.

Have you ever given so much of your energy to a goal or task, only to feel like you’re just pouring yourself into a bottomless pit? Feeling that you never get where you wanted to go and it all feels like a waste?

This is your clue that you’ve been caught in the trap of trying. Once you realize you’ve trapped yourself, the good news is that all you need to do to escape is to STOP TRYING. It’s so easy! I promise.

The things that are meant for you in your life will find you whether you look for them or not.

Go back and read that sentence again, but really absorb it. You cannot avoid your lessons. They’re the whole reason you’re here. (Even when you get diverted with trying, your lessons sit there waiting for you until they can get your attention. They will keep trying to get your attention in bigger and bigger ways. This is the spiral of fate; the fractal reality of our existence.) Whether in the form of people or of goals, if something is meant for you, it will land right in your way. If you’re meant to do something, your heart will tell you so. You will fall in love with an idea and chasing it will not require any sort of trying—the idea and the path to manifesting it will come naturally and easily to you.

We waste years, sometimes decades of our lives chasing things not meant for us. You have to let them go. Your happiness is not in finally catching them. Even if you do catch them, you will be disappointed in what you find. This is why people who become suddenly wealthy or famous are so miserable. The reality behind the mirage is not the paradise they expected.

But you can find your paradise. It probably looks unlike anything you expected. Don’t listen to what other people say your life should be, or what your happiness should be. The only one who knows what you are meant for is you. Listen to your gut. Follow what you love. The things and people you’re naturally drawn to, the things you enjoy without any effort at all, are what will lead you to your bliss.

Living a good life does not mean working yourself to death doing things you hate, or winning the battle of whose grass is greener, or spending all of your time around people who make you miserable. You’re allowed to make your own choices. They probably look nothing like what other people are choosing, and that’s okay! We each have unique paths, specially tailored to our needs and our particular stage of development. We’re here to learn different things. You need to do what’s best for YOU.

Whenever I start to worry “I should be doing x”, I stop and ask myself why. Where does that “should” come from? If it comes from fear, I stop myself instantly and let the worry go. Love will never cause us to worry. If you follow love, your heart, and your joy, it will never steer you wrong. Don’t follow fear. It’s lying to you. It will trap you, causing you to spend too much time suffering when you could be experiencing peace and fulfillment.

You can let life be easy. The work you’re meant to do will not feel like work—it will be a pleasure to do. It will feel right and effortless. You can trust the universe to take care of you. You have angels by your side, always, trying to guide you in the right direction. They know the best route to take because they have a better perspective. Please, trust them. Let go of trying and do what feels right instead. Because of free will, we have the ability to go down the wrong path. You can choose to ignore your guides and get lost in trying. An entire lifetime can slip through your fingers that way.

Find some quiet time today, sit with yourself and consider whether there’s something you’ve been trying to do out of fear. Find just one thing, and try giving yourself permission to stop doing it. Make a different choice that makes you feel lighter. Let the outcome of that experiment show you what’s possible, and keep going from there.

Love and blessings, friends.