I was raised to believe that the only way to hope I’d someday be worthy of kindness or love was to constantly strive for perfection. This translated into me always working myself to death just to try attain value, attempting to earn love from people who weren’t capable of loving me in the first place. I was raised in a family where the women especially were expected to perform perfection. You can see the effect of this rippling out through the generations, as the toxic cycle churns onward until more of us wake up and realize we don’t have anything to prove. Because we’re created exactly as intended and we’re amazing just the way we are.
I am not perfect. I have tremors, a crooked spine from two fused vertebrae in my neck, my vision is bad, my teeth are crooked, I can barely breathe through my nose, I have warts and moles and gray hair, I don’t like make-up or jewelry or ‘girly’ clothes, my body is ‘incorrectly’ curvy, I have C-PTSD, and because of several factors including the fact that I’m just plain old weird, I have trouble making meaningful connections with others.
But I also have two teenage kids and I believe my example of imperfection is already helping to produce consequences in them, such as: they embrace their weirdness; they don’t worry about their body size or shape, my daughter mostly rejects makeup and jewelry, they don’t stress about fashion, they don’t feel the need to prove their worth through how many friends they have, they love their glasses, etc. They’re also not like me at all in so many ways, and I cherish each one of them, because those are the ways their authentic selves are shining through.
Perfection in itself is a faulty concept. There is no such thing. One person’s definition of what it is will always be different from another’s. We as humans are not designed for perfection. We’re born with inherent flaws. We age, fail, and die. There is nothing wrong with that. The differences between us, and the challenges brought by the circumstances in which we exist, are what make us beautiful. They’re what give us value and purpose.
Perfection is a denial of vulnerability. It’s an idea we use to armor ourselves against what we’re most afraid of. We fool ourselves into thinking that once we’re perfect, we will finally surmount anyone’s attempts to judge or criticize us. We will have ‘won’ the game of life by being better than everyone else. For women especially, (though also for men in the fight against perceived weakness) the expectation of physical perfection—youth, beauty, fashion, and fitness in a way that somehow produces both slimness and simultaneous voluptuousness—is how we prove our worth in our current society. On social media, our photos are used to judge and rate us, hence the growing obsession to use tricks of the light, Photoshop, creative posing, etc., to create the illusion of absolute physical perfection. Again, we do this is so because we think we may finally be protected from the harsh judgment of others. We strive toward an ideal that doesn’t exist, because there will always be someone out there who can find fault with what they perceive, as all is subjective.
Instead of perfection, focus your energy to more consciously pursue self-love, truth, and compassion. We need to dare to be vulnerable. It’s only in being vulnerable, taking risks and daring to be our true selves that we are truly living. The most courageous and transformative moments of our lives can only be achieved by being vulnerable. I dare you to think of a single important moment in your life that did not include an attempt at vulnerability.
There is no value in fear, lies, and deception. Value is only found in truth and love. Give yourself permission to release fear of criticism and imperfection, and instead love yourself as you are in the core of your being. Anyone who doesn’t love you as you naturally are is not worth your energy. When you put effort into how you treat yourself, do it with compassion and with the goal of being healthy and happy in the privacy of your own heart and mind. The more compassion you give yourself, the more you will have to offer others. When you fill your energy with compassion and kindness, for yourself as well as others, it impacts everyone around you. It brings joy and peace. It releases the heavy weight of trying to live up to the collective delusion of performing perfection.
Who is happier: someone who invests all of their time and effort into living up to the harsh, impossible, imagined expectations of society? Or someone who invests all of their time and effort into spreading love of self and others?
The digital culture in which we now live is not doing us any favors in the promotion of mental, spiritual, and emotional health. The false importance placed on surface-level image only spreads suffering. Your body is the fleshy vehicle for your soul. Yes, it’s important to try to keep it in working order and take care of it as best you are able, but all it is is a temporary container for an eternal, invincible facet of the Source of all life. You, reading this right now, are consciousness that is a singular part of a larger whole—the God-energy. What does God have to feel self-conscious about? Really? Who does God need to impress?
Please, sit with those questions in the quiet of your own mind. Ask yourself: What really scares me about being vulnerable? Who am I really trying to impress, and why have I given that person have so much power over my happiness?
Vulnerability is courage.
Vulnerability is where all value in life comes from. Do you want to have value and joy? Or do you want to have emptiness and fear?
Embrace your flaws. Use them to grow. You are good enough. You are wonderful. You should be proud of yourself. Celebrate your oddities. Share the beauty of your soul with us, so that we may be inspired to do the same. The brighter you shine your light on the world, the less darkness there will be.
If you’re interested in exploring more about the value of vulnerability, please check out the work of the inspiring and wise Brené Brown. She has TED talks, a Netflix special, has appeared on multiple episodes of the On Being podcast, and so much more.
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