In our busy modern lives, unpleasant emotions can seem to get in the way. We might have a nagging feeling we should be happier or more content with our lives as they are. That we should feel grateful, blessed, or lucky, but we don’t. And that’s okay. We have to make space for whatever emotions are passing through us in the moment.
Emotions are our direct link to our souls. While the mind distracts with thought analysis, worries, and criticism—our hearts know truth. When we talk about getting to “the heart of the matter”, we mean we can trust in our feelings to clear away the nonsense and help us figure out what’s really going on.
We all bury feelings we don’t want to face. Sometimes it’s a matter of survival, but a lot of times it’s about convenience or dread. We get scared, and push the fear down. We become overwhelmed with grief, and turn away from it out of a mistaken belief we should be “strong” instead (strong meaning stoic and wooden). Or something makes us angry, out of a sense of unfairness or because we’ve been hurt, but we feel it’s “bad” to be angry so we shelve the emotion and force pleasantness instead.
When we bury emotions in these ways, they don’t go away. Instead, they sink down into our spirit to be dealt with at a later time. They linger. Fester. The longer you go without processing your emotions, the more they will poison you from within. Soon, this poison wells up and spills over onto those closest to us. That’s how those we love most become the victims of bottled-up feelings they didn’t cause.
Deliberately ignored emotion creates the swiftest path to misery. This is because your emotions are literally your soul crying out for attention and care. It’s the core of what makes you you saying, “hey, we have a problem here! What are we going to do about it?” Buried emotions can become a weight we drag around with us night and day, causing stress, dismantling our health and state of mind. They cause a wide spectrum physical and mental illnesses.
So, what CAN we do about it?
The first step is self-care. Real self-care. What that is is different for everyone. Listen to your gut instinct, your desires, your small inner voice. What do you WANT? Rest? Space? Quiet? Someone to listen? To scream into a pillow? To run as fast as you can until your muscles burn and you fall exhausted to the grass?
Whatever it is, do that. Take care of YOU in a way that doesn’t negatively impact anyone else. Our primary responsibility—always—is to take care of ourselves first. To secure our oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. If we’re dying, we can’t be there for anyone else. Yet. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. No one gets to demand you do, and if they try, get away from them because they’re toxic.
After emergency self-care is tackled, the next step is to put in place a regular schedule of small acts of self-care you can practice every day, even if only in little ways—breathing exercises, five minutes of meditating, stretching, working on an art project, listen to relaxing music, find something that makes you laugh, get out in nature after work or between errands, take naps, say no to things, or call someone you love. Give yourself what you need in order to function, feel balanced, and cared for.
Look for responsibilities you’ve been shouldering you can let go of. I’m sure you can find some if you try. We’re all very good at deciding we need to do certain things for others when no one has actually asked us to do them. The world will not stop spinning if your home isn’t spotless, or the laundry doesn’t get done, or if you go for a walk rather than visit stressful people, or if you shut your phone off for the rest of the day, or if you close your eyes for fifteen minutes, or start a journal to spill out all your hidden thoughts and feelings in a safe space.
This is the path to healing. This is how we start to mend our wounds so we can begin to function in a much different, healthier, happier way. We need to heal ourselves before we can start to relearn how to be. Think of it as emergency spiritual care in a self-created hospital made up of focused attention to our needs.
Then, the next time we feel anger because someone was rude to us, let yourself lean into it. Instead of turning away, let the anger wash through you like a strong wave at the beach. It’ll crash against you, overwhelming for just a second. Feel it. Recognize it. Don’t DO anything, just be where you are and feel what you feel in the moment. Let it rush all through your body.
And then, let the wave keep moving. Don’t try to hold onto it, just let it be the motion and energy that it is. You’ll feel it soften and roll away. It’ll become less powerful, dissipating. Before you know it, before you can even formulate a response to the rude person, the anger will be already melting away. If you need to help it along, find a safe, secluded way to let it out. Sit alone in your car and scream. Throw pillows. Go for a run.
We need to honor our emotions as they occur, in the moment. Let yourself witness them without judgment. Watch them like you watch movies, as something interesting that’s happening. Notice how they sit in your body, and how they start out so intensely, but then so quickly dissolve into nothingness once we give them the attention they require.
Because they will dissolve. They always do. Everything in life is temporary and in motion. This goes for all emotions on the spectrum too.
Let them be and look for what they’re trying to show you. Emotions are like spiritual signposts pointing us to the way forward. They lead us to exactly where we need to go in order to continue on our path. If you walk your path with a clear head and a little bravery, it will take you away from everything that’s weighing you down and making you miserable, and towards true, lasting peace. It’s where all of your dreams come true.
A lot of times we’re sad, unhappy, tired, angry because we keep choosing an action that’s harming us. Maybe we’re enabling other people to take advantage of us because we think it’s the “nice” thing to do, and it’s easier for them to do that than to do the work to take care of themselves in the proper ways. Or we’re miserable because we are that person taking advantage of someone else rather than doing for ourselves in the ways we know we can and should.
Please hear me when I say we will always be made miserable by doing things that hurt us. The only way the hurt stops is by choosing love instead. Love yourself. Love those around you. Love the process. Love the opportunity to grow and evolve. Do the hard thing by doing the right thing. Feel the hurt so it can heal. Care for the wound and stop creating new ones. If you’re hurt, feel it. Honor it. Sit with it in the quiet of your heart. And then let it go. Savor the relief and calm left in its wake. This is where peace lives.
Love and blessings, friends.