So far, all of my posts on this blog have stemmed from things I’ve learned from others. Today, I want to talk about something I’ve discovered solely on my own.
We all have our emotional triggers. These are things that set us off, inducing anger or sadness, joy or excitement. Everyone’s emotional response mechanisms are different, and if you really, really pay attention to yours, you can learn a whole lot about yourself.
I don’t like having negative emotional triggers. When something causes a runaway flare of anger in me, it makes me want to understand why so I can figure out how to shut that down. The progression of my daily life these past three years is proof we can choose happiness if we set our minds to it. After I chose to be happy, no matter what that meant or what changes would need to happen to accomplish that goal… you know what? It actually worked. I saw immediate transformation. But choosing happiness means doing the hard work of figuring out how to overcome negativity.
Our emotions are messages we send to ourselves. They’re there for a reason. They’re a type of code sent just for us to translate and in which we’ll discover hidden messages. Why do certain things make you happy? Why do others make you upset? What’s really behind that? Our negative emotions point to places within our souls that are in need of healing. That’s why you’ll often see in spiritual literature the suggestion to try to appreciate people and situations that cause problems in your life, because they are teachers sent to help us heal, learn, and grow.
This is good advice, but what is the process between understanding someone you dislike is a “teacher” and actually learning from them rather than just becoming angry in response to them? How do you get from point A to point B? I haven’t seen much of an explanation of this in my reading, but today I had quite an AHA moment that provided what I’ve been looking for.
Real talk: my most stubborn emotional trigger is people who play the victim and foist all responsibility for their choices onto those closest to them. I’m telling you, it drives me out of my mind. I feel sometimes that I’m surrounded by people like this, whether they’re narcissists who love to make scapegoats responsible for their emotional state, or the woe-is-me types who refuse to help themselves even in the most dire circumstances, or the perpetual children who never seem to grow up and take charge of their own lives.
I know these people drive me nuts. But… why? Why do I have this switch inside me that gets so easily flipped? Not having control over this aspect of myself is a weakness. I give those people power over me, losing a portion of my energy to them rather than staying calm and centered. Being vulnerable can be a good thing, but not when a vulnerability causes you to frequently banish happiness and ruin your mood.
Something I know about myself is that if I dig at something long enough, with enough focus, I can figure out more about it. I can unearth what’s beneath it and study my findings. Understanding something in detail—what causes it and why—helps me detach emotion from it.
The real question here is not “why does this thing upset me” but “what CAUSES this thing to upset me?” You probably already know WHY something upsets you. I know I do, and can rant away about it to whomever will listen. But getting hold of the CAUSE of this response is the real key.
What in your past installed this weird button inside you that is so easily pushed? How can you dismantle that button so when people go pushing away at it, they don’t automatically gain control over your happiness?
I’d recommend trying to talk it out with a caring friend, a loving partner, a therapist, or a journal. Let yourself go on and on about what is upsetting you, but try to focus in on where that feeling comes from. When did you first feel this way and why? Look at that. Search beneath it. Step back and search for the fractal patterns in your pain. What are the repeating themes? Where do things connect? Trace back from that spot. Look all around the root of it.
In an email conversation with my husband, going back and forth for hours, I finally found what I was looking for. First, I was able to understand the various branches of upset that all linked together inside me, stemming from a broader kind of trigger. I saw that in my head and heart, there are the “caretakers” of the world, and those who demand to be taken care of, no matter what it may cost the caretakers in the process.
Having gotten that far, I dug deeper and saw that because my parent conditioned me with guilt-riddled statements like, “Well, it’s your JOB to take care of them,” I began to resent, long ago, the declaration that I would always be someone else’s servant. Then, having delved so very deep, I looked all around at that place and saw my dearly departed younger brother, whose whole tragic life was utterly ravaged by this same conditioning. Drugs, toxic marriage, awful jobs, a mountain of emotional labor—it crushed him slowly before he died. All because he grew up with that whisper in his ear, that it was HIS job to do emotional and practical labor for others, no matter what.
My anger is there for my brother, and it’s there for me.
And, you know what? Now that I see all of that, I get to say to myself that it’s okay, you can stop. You get to say no. This internal struggle can end here, right now. I can set this whole weight down and walk away from it, leaving it behind as I continue on my way. I can enfold that little girl I used to be and that lost little boy in my heart and tell them that it was never actually their job to do all of that. That just because someone else made us feel like we had to carry this weight, doesn’t mean it’s true, or right. I tell them that just because they worked so hard for so long at something, doesn’t mean it was wasted time, and it’s not too late to make a different choice. Guilt carved the wound but love can heal it and build something new in its place. Something better.
These are lessons no one else can teach us. We can only decide to look deeply within ourselves and take on the challenge on our own. No one knows you like you do. No one can save you the way you can save yourself.
This is your biggest task in life. Really. Understand yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Never stop trying to grow and improve. Tackle those icy fears in your heart and melt them away. Find the cracks in your soul and mend them with love. What is more important than that? Money? Status? Adoration? No, because when you’re already full and whole within, you don’t need the external to compensate for anything.
I challenge you today to start this work. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will produce the biggest rewards, guaranteed. Do yourself the favor. I give you the permission you’ve been waiting for to set all of that weight you’ve been carrying down and breathe. Rest. Recover.
If I can do it, so can you.
Love and blessings, friends.
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