Category: Personal Lessons

We all make up rules for ourselves, whether we’re conscious of doing it or not. In the privacy of our minds, we decide on what we ‘should’ do, and what we ‘shouldn’t’. We tend to flood with worry or guilt when we do something we’ve privately agreed we shouldn’t do, but not give a second though to the behaviors we think we should.

Being raised in an abusive household, my childhood was filled with shoulds that stuck with me well into adulthood. There was a little voice in my head scolding me when I felt too confidently about my decisions. It made me second-guess everything from big choices to the most basic reflexes. This voice warned I wasn’t doing enough for others, that I should put my own interests last, always. When I did do something for myself, it meant I was failing someone else, some other responsibility.

You don’t have to have come from an abusive childhood to have developed similar reflexes. Some of the people I love most in the world punish themselves almost constantly with shoulds. Almost all of my husband’s free time is eaten up by errands and chores he’s assigned himself and decided he should take care of sooner than later. I see family members constantly putting themselves last, to the extent their needs are never met and exhaustion always looms. I see friends succumbing to pointless trends, constructing their lives around what social media, or fashion, or the people around them think they should be doing, or what they should look like, or what they should be interested in.

Those of us who fall prey to should have good, open hearts. We want to do our best. We want to be good people, and be there for others. There’s nothing in modern society that reminds us to question our impulses to sacrifice self, endlessly.

So, I’m asking you to question it.

Where are do your shoulds come from? Are they even valid? Who will actually care if you ignore them? What consequences will there be?

I had to train myself, through hard inner work, to destroy the voice in my head trying to keep me small and behaving as a doormat. I recognized it as the echo of my abuser and taught myself to view it with only disgust until it no longer had any power over me.

Ask yourself, why are you putting yourself last? Doesn’t your opinion count as much as that of others around you?

Why do you keep giving and giving without stopping to wonder why, and when the giving will end?

Why are you giving others so much power over your happiness?

Identify your shoulds. Seek them out. Dig to discover where they came from. Give yourself permission to let them go.

Maybe nothing bad will happen if you put your desires first. Happiness is a choice. If you choose your happiness, and pursue actions instinctively, because you want to and not because you should, you can transform your whole life.

You have the power to release the blocks standing in the way of peace and joy. No one is making you hurt yourself like this. No one can stop you from trying a different choice to see if that makes things better or worse.

We all get stuck in patterns, walking the same circles over and over again. Suffering teaches us these patterns are hurting rather than helping. If you suffer, seek out the reasons why. Save yourself from suffering by unlearning as much as you can.

Every day gives us a fresh start. You can make different choices today than you did yesterday, for no good reason other than you want to. What rules have you been living by, that you can let go? Find one—just one—and release it. Untie the knot and see how you feel.

I find new assumptions and shoulds all the time. For instance, just this week I realized I thought I should finish something I start to write. Why? Where did that should come from? Will the world end if I don’t finish something I don’t want to finish? No!

When I spot that kind of should now, I grow excited to have revealed it and can’t wait to smash it to dust. Trust me that it feels incredible to make your life easier!

Stop setting rules for yourself. Let life guide you instead. Let it flow naturally and just take the ride. Do what you have the desire and opportunity to do, with your whole heart, and release the rest. Follow joy, avoid suffering. Your choice to suffer helps no one.

Suffering is not expected of you, by gender roles, or labels, or anyones expectations. Why would you let anyone expect your suffering? Why do you think you owe it to them?

There is not a single thing women should do just because they’re women. Men should not be expected to behave certain ways because they are men. Hardworking people should not fill all their spare time catering to the whims of others, or lists of self-imposed chores, or enabling the lazy or the cruel, just because they think the world will fall apart if they don’t.

It won’t fall apart. You’re just hurting yourself for no good reason.

Enjoy life. Transform it into something freer and kinder.

There are no rules here. Pursue what you love. The rest will take care of itself.

Love and blessings, friends.

I was raised to believe that the only way to hope I’d someday be worthy of kindness or love was to constantly strive for perfection. This translated into me always working myself to death just to try attain value, attempting to earn love from people who weren’t capable of loving me in the first place. I was raised in a family where the women especially were expected to perform perfection. You can see the effect of this rippling out through the generations, as the toxic cycle churns onward until more of us wake up and realize we don’t have anything to prove. Because we’re created exactly as intended and we’re amazing just the way we are.

I am not perfect. I have tremors, a crooked spine from two fused vertebrae in my neck, my vision is bad, my teeth are crooked, I can barely breathe through my nose, I have warts and moles and gray hair, I don’t like make-up or jewelry or ‘girly’ clothes, my body is ‘incorrectly’ curvy, I have C-PTSD, and because of several factors including the fact that I’m just plain old weird, I have trouble making meaningful connections with others.

But I also have two teenage kids and I believe my example of imperfection is already helping to produce consequences in them, such as: they embrace their weirdness; they don’t worry about their body size or shape, my daughter mostly rejects makeup and jewelry, they don’t stress about fashion, they don’t feel the need to prove their worth through how many friends they have, they love their glasses, etc. They’re also not like me at all in so many ways, and I cherish each one of them, because those are the ways their authentic selves are shining through.

Perfection in itself is a faulty concept. There is no such thing. One person’s definition of what it is will always be different from another’s. We as humans are not designed for perfection. We’re born with inherent flaws. We age, fail, and die. There is nothing wrong with that. The differences between us, and the challenges brought by the circumstances in which we exist, are what make us beautiful. They’re what give us value and purpose.

Perfection is a denial of vulnerability. It’s an idea we use to armor ourselves against what we’re most afraid of. We fool ourselves into thinking that once we’re perfect, we will finally surmount anyone’s attempts to judge or criticize us. We will have ‘won’ the game of life by being better than everyone else. For women especially, (though also for men in the fight against perceived weakness) the expectation of physical perfection—youth, beauty, fashion, and fitness in a way that somehow produces both slimness and simultaneous voluptuousness—is how we prove our worth in our current society. On social media, our photos are used to judge and rate us, hence the growing obsession to use tricks of the light, Photoshop, creative posing, etc., to create the illusion of absolute physical perfection. Again, we do this is so because we think we may finally be protected from the harsh judgment of others. We strive toward an ideal that doesn’t exist, because there will always be someone out there who can find fault with what they perceive, as all is subjective.

Instead of perfection, focus your energy to more consciously pursue self-love, truth, and compassion. We need to dare to be vulnerable. It’s only in being vulnerable, taking risks and daring to be our true selves that we are truly living. The most courageous and transformative moments of our lives can only be achieved by being vulnerable. I dare you to think of a single important moment in your life that did not include an attempt at vulnerability.

There is no value in fear, lies, and deception. Value is only found in truth and love. Give yourself permission to release fear of criticism and imperfection, and instead love yourself as you are in the core of your being. Anyone who doesn’t love you as you naturally are is not worth your energy. When you put effort into how you treat yourself, do it with compassion and with the goal of being healthy and happy in the privacy of your own heart and mind. The more compassion you give yourself, the more you will have to offer others. When you fill your energy with compassion and kindness, for yourself as well as others, it impacts everyone around you. It brings joy and peace. It releases the heavy weight of trying to live up to the collective delusion of performing perfection. 

Who is happier: someone who invests all of their time and effort into living up to the harsh, impossible, imagined expectations of society? Or someone who invests all of their time and effort into spreading love of self and others?

The digital culture in which we now live is not doing us any favors in the promotion of mental, spiritual, and emotional health. The false importance placed on surface-level image only spreads suffering. Your body is the fleshy vehicle for your soul. Yes, it’s important to try to keep it in working order and take care of it as best you are able, but all it is is a temporary container for an eternal, invincible facet of the Source of all life. You, reading this right now, are consciousness that is a singular part of a larger whole—the God-energy. What does God have to feel self-conscious about? Really? Who does God need to impress?

Please, sit with those questions in the quiet of your own mind. Ask yourself: What really scares me about being vulnerable? Who am I really trying to impress, and why have I given that person have so much power over my happiness?

Vulnerability is courage.

Vulnerability is where all value in life comes from. Do you want to have value and joy? Or do you want to have emptiness and fear?

Embrace your flaws. Use them to grow. You are good enough. You are wonderful. You should be proud of yourself. Celebrate your oddities. Share the beauty of your soul with us, so that we may be inspired to do the same. The brighter you shine your light on the world, the less darkness there will be.

If you’re interested in exploring more about the value of vulnerability, please check out the work of the inspiring and wise Brené Brown. She has TED talks, a Netflix special, has appeared on multiple episodes of the On Being podcast, and so much more.

Sometimes the simplest truths are the most difficult to accept. The funny thing about life is that once you begin to awaken and see more clearly what’s going on, it is astonishingly simple to understand—we just have to let go of doubt and fear. One such truth is that our thoughts and choices determine our experience. This means that whatever thoughts you tend to latch onto in the privacy of your own mind, and whatever choices you keep making, are a direct message to the universe of what you want to experience. So, the universe gives it to you. It’s helpful that way.

If you choose to worry all the time, the universe will give you more things to worry about. If you choose to obsess over comparing yourself to others, it’ll give you more opportunities to do that. If you are stuck in the past, the universe will keep you spinning in your old circles, prohibiting you from advancing to something new and better. If you’re angry all the time, it’ll help you find more things to be angry about. Do you see the pattern here?

But, if you instead choose to pursue things that make you feel happy and healthy, it’ll place things in your path to make you feel happy and healthy. If you choose to have fun and laugh, it’ll give you more things to have fun with. If you forgo fear and choose love instead, it’ll give you love in return. If you choose bravery, it’ll help you be brave. If you choose peace, it’ll help you remain peaceful.

See? It’s really not that hard. We all have free will. That means we get to determine our experience, even if we choose a miserable experience. Nothing will stand in our way, because our choice is always respected. We’re the Creators of our world. We shape our lives each moment of every day.

Yes, this means your thoughts are not private or secret. They “count”. Yes, it means there are real, visceral consequences to what you think about. The universe does respond to thought. Thought creates energy (either positive or negative) and all of our world is built with energy. Your thoughts create a ripple effect around you, affecting everything and everyone in your vicinity. Your spirit guides communicate telepathically, so yes, they know what you’re thinking. So many of us think we can get away with nasty, negative thought patterns, but they will draw harm into your life. They’re a toxin that will drain you of energy and joy. But if you manage to clear your mind through practices such as meditation, you’ll be much more receptive to guidance to help you along your journey, and a mind cleared of fear or negative thought patterns is one that will easily channel joy and peace.

How many people do you know who seem to have tragedy after tragedy befall them? Who use all of their energy letting the rest of us know about their suffering and their endless tragedies? Take a good look at that cycle they’re stuck in. Do you see how one can lead to the other? That if we choose to obsess over negativity, we will stay soaking in negativity? How can positive energy even find us when we surround ourselves with the opposite? Everyone experiences anger or sadness, but choosing to cling to those emotions is up to you. We need to let go of that which does not serve our highest good. The only way out is through. When you are mad, be mad and then let it go. When you are sad, be sad and then let it go. We need to become aware of our emotional state and our mental state. It is only through awareness that we can transcend and grow. No one can do this for you. You are responsible for your own happiness. No one will stop you if you deliberately choose suffering.

The universe and our personal spiritual entourage do not want us to suffer. The system of karma is set up so that we will spiral down into our negativity when we choose it. It will squeeze us harder and harder, our suffering becoming gradually more extreme for the sole purpose of trying to force us to make a different, better choice. It’s not a punishment. It’s the most basic form of growth. You do not need to suffer in order to grow, but if you abandon all other tools for growth and choose suffering instead, the universe will support you in that decision.

If this seems overwhelming the first thing to do, the best place to start, is to become more aware of your thought patterns. Try to notice when you fall into thoughts that make you feel bad. Try to notice when you’re bringing yourself and your energy down. Witness this. Then, make a different choice. Do some self-care to help release those painful thoughts so they can’t hurt you any longer. Go for a walk. Sit down and rest. Watch a funny cat video. Even just focusing on your breath as it goes in and out is a fantastic way to clear your mind of negativity. And ask yourself the hard questions. Ask yourself where your negative thoughts come from, where the stem from, and why. Forgive yourself for them. Find ways to heal the wounds they point to.

Yes, it is possible to quiet down the endless mental “chatter”. Once you become aware the real “you” is the witness to your experience rather that the source of the mental chatter in your head, you can work to remain aware of that truth constantly. Remaining aware and existing as the witness is the way to mental peace and quiet, and more freedom to enjoy life.

You are not here to try to fix things, to save the planet, to change others, to search for your secret magical true purpose, or anything else. You’re here to heal yourself, to relax and enjoy life. Anything meant for you will find you, so in the meantime, pay attention to what you’re broadcasting.

I promise, if you can do this it will transform your entire life for the better.

Love and blessings, friends.

I want you to try an experiment (you’ve got nothing to lose in giving it a shot): Ignore the fear voice in your head and decide to approach every single obstacle in your path like you chose to face them. Agree that you are where you are precisely because you asked to be there, rather than due to misfortunate accident. Resolve that your problems are an awesome opportunity to heal what causes you pain, and are not a curse.

It’s so easy to feel like hardships and trials are happening to you—they’re out of your control and you are just the victim of unfair circumstances. After all, taking such a stance absolves all responsibility, allowing you to collapse and cry, “Pity me! Save me!” while waiting for a hero to come along and banish all troubles.

But playing the victim is a choice we make. It’s just as easy to choose to play the hero.

Imagine that before you were even born, while still a soul untethered to a body, you decided on what you wanted to learn during your next life, and where you wanted it to take you. You drew a map filled with adventure and excitement, meant to test your abilities. You planned to face a few fears and experience scary new things in order to prove your bravery, creativity, and strength. To prepare for this voyage, you blessed yourself with each of the particular gifts you’d need in order to carry out the tasks that lie ahead. You invested the parts of your soul you most wanted to grow and empower. When you arrived on Earth, your quest had begun. You left your memories of the map behind (it would be cheating to know what to expect ahead of time). Now, you’re here! You’re in the thick of it. Your dream has come true and things are really getting exciting!

Everything in life is a puzzle left for you to solve, or not. Free will gives us the option to give up, even though we are always capable of finding our needed answers. I’m daring you, here and now, to try and face everything that crosses your path like you planned for it to happen at exactly the time it does, for a very good, specific reason—you’re on a treasure hunt and the only way forward is through.

Where’s the fun in giving up? Would you rather be broken down on the side of the road, or off chasing the biggest prize of all? You absolutely can stay right where you are and raise a white flag of defeat, but that won’t get you a free pass. When we shut down and stay stuck, life puts the squeeze on us. It wants us to move and grow. It wants us to live and be. When you choose stagnation, life will make you increasingly uncomfortable until you make a different choice, and start moving again. And if you leave the game before it’s over? You come right back to that starting line for another round.

On the other hand, if you accept the mindset that you are in charge, that you’re the captain of your beautiful ship, carving a path through choppy water and stormy seas, life will reward you. It will empower you. It will help you find the courage and motivation needed to succeed at every single thing you try to do.

No one is doing anything to you. You wanted to be here. You decided to come. On a deeper level, you already believe you can do it, you just need to figure out how to tap into that knowledge hidden within yourself. You’re experiencing the exact things you came here to experience. Nothing is coincidence or accidental.

Think about it: How would your life change if you approached it as the architect of your circumstances? Would it help things seem less scary? Less impossible?

You believed in yourself enough to put yourself here. Are you curious about what your reward will be if you succeed? Does it give you comfort to know there is a map, and you’re exactly where you need to be? Are you excited to wonder what might come next?

You designed this life you’re living. The seemingly impossible challenges in front of you have solutions, and they’ll reveal themselves if you keep doing your best to find them. Everything is a puzzle. Puzzles have solutions. They can be completed and beaten. Nothing in your custom-tailored life is impossible. When you get to a dead end, it just means it’s time to try a different route. If you have faith in yourself and in the thrill of being, the answers will come to you naturally. They will flow your way and fall right into your hand. All that’s left is to recognize them for what they are and grab hold. But that’s a choice you have to make. You need to decide to solve your puzzles. No one will do it for you. No one can save you from a life you chose to experience.

You are your own champion. That fact scares some people. They don’t want to do the hard work. They don’t want the responsibility. But the truth is you have everything you need already inside of you. You planned it out that way. Deep down, you do remember that map you drew before you arrived. You know the secrets. You are capable of triumphing over anything that comes your way. Anything! All of the power and magic you desire is already within you, waiting to be revealed.

And what’s the prize waiting for you at the end? Its shape and form is different for each of us, but its essence is growth. Wisdom. Enlightenment. Paradise. The more puzzles you solve, the more you recognize the rules to playing the game, allowing you to take control of how it unfolds. You can create your dreams while you’re still here. You drew this map and you can keep drawing it. You can transform your existence into something where fear doesn’t exist and the joy of living, the love of being, is what fills your soul and your days.

So, my friends, you have a choice to make. What will it be?

Love and blessings.

What is judgement, really? How can we best understand it in order to avoid being controlled by it? We are more powerful than the instinct to criticize. We’re not helpless to succumb. Judgement is us choosing to tell ourselves, “you should feel bad because______.” We’re making the choice to inflict pain on ourselves, rather than choosing joy. We’re taking a weight onto our back to carry around and cause us misery, for no good reason. Being upset about some perceived slight does not fix any problems. It does no good.

That being said, there’s a weird mental circle I find myself getting stuck in over and over again. It goes something like this:

• All of us as souls are equal. No one has more value or is “better” than anyone else.
• We each have different perspectives and tools to work with. Our definition of what the “best” thing to do in any given situation is always unique.
• Everyone is always doing what feels best to them, given their circumstances and perspective.
• If everyone is equal, everyone is equally capable of understanding right vs. wrong. Everyone is equally able to choose right vs. wrong. (This is the most subjective part of this circle, admittedly, but I stand by the idea that we all are capable of choosing love over suffering.)
• When someone chooses wrong, we should not judge them for it. We’re all at different stages of growth and learning, and should not compare ourselves to others.
• When we see suffering because of a “wrong” choice, we should react with compassion, and remind ourselves we don’t know the full story behind what’s happening and why.
• How do we resolve the truth of equality with the existence of so much suffering, especially when we see others actively creating suffering?

On the broader scale, how do we avoid judgements like, “I’m better than this person who has chosen to kill others”? Or “I’m better than this person who has hurt children”? If someone commits monstrous crimes such as murder or child abuse, how do we abstain from judgement and instead choose compassion?

Honestly, the only way I can answer that question is to point out that any time we choose to cast judgement, we’re choosing to carry a weight on our back. We’re choosing pain over joy. Our pain due to someone else’s actions does no undo those actions, it only spreads more pain. Our bad feelings do not affect the act that caused those feelings. If we can instead choose compassion for those choosing pain, and find ways to promote love and growth instead, we’re making an active difference. We’re contributing love and joy instead of more pain.

To give you a more specific example, I struggle with judgement of my neighbors. I live in an area where there are many elderly residents in large (mostly empty) houses. These people are increasingly incapable (physically or financially) of maintaining their property. They also don’t want to sell and move to someplace more manageable because they prefer the status, independence, and privacy of a big house. The result of this is that many, many old-growth trees in my neighborhood have been chopped down over the past few years. My neighbors prioritize their pride and personal comfort over the lives of beautiful creatures who’ve been around for hundreds of years.

Yesterday, one particular neighbor had a tree crew armed with chainsaws, hacking away at a pair of ancient trees the size of a seven-story building. I’ve spent many days admiring the beauty of these trees. I love them as much as I love some people. But this neighbor lives in a big old house by himself and it’s taxing to rake leaves every fall. I’ll admit to being overwhelmed with anger at this neighbor in that moment as the chainsaws were roaring. I was angry for a solid hour or two, going to the gym to use my feelings as fuel. The next day, I saw that those trees were still standing—they were just awkwardly shaped and missing several large branches which had been overhanging power lines. This showed me I’d carried my anger and tainted what would have otherwise been a joyful afternoon, for what? Nothing. My anger didn’t help the trees. Even if the trees had been completely removed, my anger would not bring them back.

If, instead, I had compassion for my neighbors because it’s a burden to take care of a piece of property, especially as we get older and less able to conquer physical tasks, and with a limited budget, my support would have made more of a difference. I could have offered to help them rake leaves. I could have chatted with them to show my affection for them as fellow humans trying to do our best in this small corner of the world. Promoting understanding and fellowship is a happier route than being quietly bitter about an imagined crime.

Every day of our lives we’re given choices. We’re faced with challenges. We have the freedom to do what we think is right, and the consequences are ours to face. That is unavoidable. So the best we can do is try to understand the ramifications of what we do, and to always try to choose joy and love over suffering. We’re all in this together. Helping one another also helps us help ourselves, and will progress us farther towards a happier world than creating divisions of judgement.

Love and blessings, friends.

So far, all of my posts on this blog have stemmed from things I’ve learned from others. Today, I want to talk about something I’ve discovered solely on my own.

We all have our emotional triggers. These are things that set us off, inducing anger or sadness, joy or excitement. Everyone’s emotional response mechanisms are different, and if you really, really pay attention to yours, you can learn a whole lot about yourself.

I don’t like having negative emotional triggers. When something causes a runaway flare of anger in me, it makes me want to understand why so I can figure out how to shut that down. The progression of my daily life these past three years is proof we can choose happiness if we set our minds to it. After I chose to be happy, no matter what that meant or what changes would need to happen to accomplish that goal… you know what? It actually worked. I saw immediate transformation. But choosing happiness means doing the hard work of figuring out how to overcome negativity.

Our emotions are messages we send to ourselves. They’re there for a reason. They’re a type of code sent just for us to translate and in which we’ll discover hidden messages. Why do certain things make you happy? Why do others make you upset? What’s really behind that? Our negative emotions point to places within our souls that are in need of healing. That’s why you’ll often see in spiritual literature the suggestion to try to appreciate people and situations that cause problems in your life, because they are teachers sent to help us heal, learn, and grow.

This is good advice, but what is the process between understanding someone you dislike is a “teacher” and actually learning from them rather than just becoming angry in response to them? How do you get from point A to point B? I haven’t seen much of an explanation of this in my reading, but today I had quite an AHA moment that provided what I’ve been looking for.

Real talk: my most stubborn emotional trigger is people who play the victim and foist all responsibility for their choices onto those closest to them. I’m telling you, it drives me out of my mind. I feel sometimes that I’m surrounded by people like this, whether they’re narcissists who love to make scapegoats responsible for their emotional state, or the woe-is-me types who refuse to help themselves even in the most dire circumstances, or the perpetual children who never seem to grow up and take charge of their own lives.

I know these people drive me nuts. But… why? Why do I have this switch inside me that gets so easily flipped? Not having control over this aspect of myself is a weakness. I give those people power over me, losing a portion of my energy to them rather than staying calm and centered. Being vulnerable can be a good thing, but not when a vulnerability causes you to frequently banish happiness and ruin your mood.

Something I know about myself is that if I dig at something long enough, with enough focus, I can figure out more about it. I can unearth what’s beneath it and study my findings. Understanding something in detail—what causes it and why—helps me detach emotion from it.

The real question here is not “why does this thing upset me” but “what CAUSES this thing to upset me?” You probably already know WHY something upsets you. I know I do, and can rant away about it to whomever will listen. But getting hold of the CAUSE of this response is the real key.

What in your past installed this weird button inside you that is so easily pushed? How can you dismantle that button so when people go pushing away at it, they don’t automatically gain control over your happiness?

I’d recommend trying to talk it out with a caring friend, a loving partner, a therapist, or a journal. Let yourself go on and on about what is upsetting you, but try to focus in on where that feeling comes from. When did you first feel this way and why? Look at that. Search beneath it. Step back and search for the fractal patterns in your pain. What are the repeating themes? Where do things connect? Trace back from that spot. Look all around the root of it.

In an email conversation with my husband, going back and forth for hours, I finally found what I was looking for. First, I was able to understand the various branches of upset that all linked together inside me, stemming from a broader kind of trigger. I saw that in my head and heart, there are the “caretakers” of the world, and those who demand to be taken care of, no matter what it may cost the caretakers in the process.

Having gotten that far, I dug deeper and saw that because my parent conditioned me with guilt-riddled statements like, “Well, it’s your JOB to take care of them,” I began to resent, long ago, the declaration that I would always be someone else’s servant. Then, having delved so very deep, I looked all around at that place and saw my dearly departed younger brother, whose whole tragic life was utterly ravaged by this same conditioning. Drugs, toxic marriage, awful jobs, a mountain of emotional labor—it crushed him slowly before he died. All because he grew up with that whisper in his ear, that it was HIS job to do emotional and practical labor for others, no matter what.

My anger is there for my brother, and it’s there for me.

And, you know what? Now that I see all of that, I get to say to myself that it’s okay, you can stop. You get to say no. This internal struggle can end here, right now. I can set this whole weight down and walk away from it, leaving it behind as I continue on my way. I can enfold that little girl I used to be and that lost little boy in my heart and tell them that it was never actually their job to do all of that. That just because someone else made us feel like we had to carry this weight, doesn’t mean it’s true, or right. I tell them that just because they worked so hard for so long at something, doesn’t mean it was wasted time, and it’s not too late to make a different choice. Guilt carved the wound but love can heal it and build something new in its place. Something better.

These are lessons no one else can teach us. We can only decide to look deeply within ourselves and take on the challenge on our own. No one knows you like you do. No one can save you the way you can save yourself.

This is your biggest task in life. Really. Understand yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Never stop trying to grow and improve. Tackle those icy fears in your heart and melt them away. Find the cracks in your soul and mend them with love. What is more important than that? Money? Status? Adoration? No, because when you’re already full and whole within, you don’t need the external to compensate for anything.

I challenge you today to start this work. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will produce the biggest rewards, guaranteed. Do yourself the favor. I give you the permission you’ve been waiting for to set all of that weight you’ve been carrying down and breathe. Rest. Recover.

If I can do it, so can you.

Love and blessings, friends.

Do you want to release stress? Escape suffering? Relinquish sadness? Find happiness? Discover your true path in life? Get in touch with your Higher Self and the universe’s greatest hopes for your ultimate purpose? It’s not difficult to do these things. We make things much more difficult than they need to be, to say the least, wasting lifetimes for no reason. You can achieve all of these things with one simple action—the simplest thing in the world.

Let go.

Sounds so easy, doesn’t it? It is. I promise you it is. The only thing standing in your way is not the unfairness of the world, your situation and circumstances, or anyone else. It’s YOU. But you are the only one in control of what you do, so this is within your power. You can heal yourself. You can save yourself. You can empower yourself.

Our emotions are the way our Soul and Higher Self communicates with us, so it is important to feel our feelings, but then we need to let them go and move past them. Learn the lesson they’re pointing you toward, and then keep moving forward.

We hold on to so much—ideas, assumptions, prejudices, family, friends, lovers, jobs, material objects, standards of beauty and success. We build up these castles of air in our heads, telling ourselves if we don’t achieve our weird inner perfect vision of the way our life is supposed to be, of what WE’RE supposed to be, we are failing. This is all just fear. It’s hot air and nonsense. They’re ways we cling to ego in sacrifice of our joy, our true potential, and our connection to Soul.

You need to let it all go. All of it. Hold on to nothing.

What does that mean? Have you heard the saying, ‘if you love them, let them go?’ People and things that are meant to be in your life will be in  your life. You don’t need to hold them there, captive to your will. If they really love you, they will stay and love you. Or maybe they will leave and love you, and that’s okay too. We each have a path to walk and it’s not our place to tell someone else what their path is. Our only job is to love them, despite their choices. 

You are not in charge of what/who is in your path. Maybe it causes you pain to hear that, but I urge you to see it as a blessing. Your path is predetermined. Your ego doesn’t call the shots. If someone is meant to be with you on your journey, they will be with you on your journey. If an achievement is meant for you, it will happen. Sure, hard work and focus is required. You need to set your intentions. But please stop chasing things not meant for you to have.

In this life, all we are required to do is have faith, and be the vessel for the universe’s plans for our destiny. Existence is like a flowing river. When you cling to rocks you see as you’re swept along its path, you drown yourself as the water sweeps over you—its will more powerful than your own. Stop drowning yourself by clinging to things. When you let go, and let the water carry you to your intended destination, things become so easy. You become in tune with all of creation. You stop worrying, stop suffering. You find joy and peace in every single moment—no waiting, no chasing required. You have happiness NOW.

You have guides guiding you, right now. They’re trying to open your eyes to things. They’re trying to help you help yourself progress. If you cling to things and plug your ears, you won’t hear them and you’ll waste your time and energy. Free will means you have that option. You’re able to waste all of the time in the world, life after life after life, but is that what you really want? Or do you want to stop hurting? Do you want to make the most of every moment and enjoy everything along the way?

Let go.

Let go of who you think you are. Let go of who you think is supposed to be by your side. Let go of all of the things society tells you you should be and have. Open your heart. Fill yourself with faith and just float along the river with ease. If you make space in your life, the universe will notice. It will see you’re ready and send good things your way. It can tell if you try to listen for guidance, and it will send you guidance.

It’s not complicated. It’s not a trick. You’ve tied knots in yourself trying to be things you weren’t mean to be, for the sake of mistaken notions of what everyone else expects you to be. Who cares what others expect you to be? Honestly? It’s YOUR life. It’s YOUR destiny. When you die and pass on, you are the one who will carry your karma with you to the next life. You will be the one standing before your guides and the higher spirits, having to answer for your choices. When you are in that moment, will you be proud of yourself and your efforts? Or will you be embarrassed at having invested your energy in so many things besides love?

You don’t owe anyone achievements or a glamorous lifestyle. You don’t owe them a family that looks perfect on the outside, even if it means your soul is rotting on the inside. You’re better off as a loner who is strong and filled with self-love, than surrounded by people who don’t care about you and drain your energy.

Let go.

I’m going through this process myself. I have let go of many things over the course of my life, and now I can’t begin to tell you how easy life has become. But still, I find things constantly that I can let go of, that have been weighing me down and burdening my spirit. When all you have is love, people will feel it. They will seek you out and support you because you’re filled with love. You will make a bigger, better impact on the world. The universe will take care of your needs and take you exactly where it needs you to go. It’s probably not where you ever would have planned to wind up—not in your wildest dreams, but that’s the whole point of adventure. Don’t limit yourself by tying yourself down. You have so much farther to go, and wondrous things to see. You can do it. I believe in you. I know it’s scary to see things fall away that we’ve comforted ourselves with for so long. But everything you will ever need is already inside you. You don’t need to go looking. It’s already there. Waiting for you to notice.

You are stronger than you know, and more beautiful than I could ever say. You’re perfect just the way you are. Everything about you is intentional and given to you by wise, loving beings who only want you to succeed. There is no need to be scared. Just trust. Let all of the nonsense go and see how much lighter you become.

Love and blessings, friends.

This is going to sound super easy—too easy—and that’s because it is. Us humans complicate things for ourselves unnecessarily. We spend our whole lives searching the world for happiness, love, and ways to define ourselves, proving who we are through accomplishments, money, fame, and the quality of our possessions. There’s a reason why so many search futilely for these things in the world around them.

Happiness can’t be found outside of ourselves; it has to come from within. Love can’t be found outside of ourselves; it has to come from within. Our sense of self can’t be found outside of ourselves; it has to come from within.

Are you seeing the pattern, here?

No one can give you happiness, or make you feel love, or provide you with a sense of self; you have to find them within. You have to do the work.

Our soul is our connection to our Higher Self. It’s our connection to the Source of all Creation. It’s our cosmic GPS system, telling us where we need to go as we navigate our path. It’s our everlasting connection to home. It’s made up of love, and comes from the Source of all love. Everything we need—EVERYTHING—can be found through our connection to our soul. Love, happiness, contentment, purpose, comfort, guidance, identity, passion, peace are all to be found solely (haha, get it?) through it. You can search in vain for lifetimes for these things in the external world. So many of us do. Please, let me spare you wasted centuries. All you need is already inside of you—you just have to stop and be courageous enough to really look behind all of the nonsense and excuses that get in the way.

The souls in our earthly bodies are fractional parts of our total soul energy that we’ve taken with us into this current, temporary incarnation. It’s a fragment of our Being, which would be way too powerful to be contained in its entirety within a physical form. The fragment that we send is a specific part that requires healing—this is our purpose. We’re here to learn and grow to heal this particular aspect of our soul.

The characteristics we bring into our life are the ones that will suit our purpose best. You remain constantly connected, 24/7, to the rest of your soul energy while incarnated. In fact, our soul is our primary guide, using its boundless knowledge to keep us lovingly on course. We are never, ever alone, at any moment, because we always have our soul, and through it our many guides and angels. Our guides and our soul want for us to care for ourselves more, to put love ahead of fear, and to recognize our lessons so we can make progress with them. They do not judge, and have endless patience, but you only help yourself when you set guilt, remorse, and shame aside in order to face the biggest problems set in front of you.

Unfortunately, there are many around us that have lost their connection to soul. They’re driven by mind (ego) instead of heart (soul). They’ve gone so far down the path of fear that they cannot hear the guidance of their soul anymore, or feel its love. They have a great void inside where this love should be, and isn’t. Rather than trying to heal themselves, they try to fill this void with the attention of others, and with material things. Social media propagates this. Our materialistic, personality-driven culture propagates this, to our collective detriment.

Some of the most dangerous people in this world are those without any connection to their soul. They feel no remorse for what they do, nor empathy for those they hurt. In fact, the rest of us don’t really exist as people to them at all. We are only prey, objects, or food to be used for their selfish needs. They will eagerly drain your energy, hope, and love, shunting it all into their inner void, and will not feel an ounce of regret if you die from their efforts. That may sound harsh, but please don’t kid yourself if you have someone like this in your life. Believe someone the first time when they show you who they are. And trust me, they will show you, over and over again.

These are creatures of infinite selfish need, fueled by blind rage and primal fear. Without love, without heart or soul, this is what they’re left with. This is all they get, until they hit some sort of rock bottom of pain and finally make a different choice. Their guides never give up on them. The choice of love over fear is always there for them to take. Our guides want us to learn through wisdom, rather than doubt and fear, but too many of us only learn when agony forces us to make different choices.

If you encounter one of these energy vampires, know there is nothing you can do to help them if they will not help themselves. The best thing you can do is deprive them of your energy in hopes they will make a better choice without you there to tempt them. Save yourself, heal yourself, and find ways to give your love to this world in a way that will make a positive difference, rather than being a waste.

These energy vampires always have enablers surrounding them. Enablers are captivated by the hollow power and manipulative efforts of the soulless. Fear of facing the wrath of someone without mercy or compassion keeps them tethered by short leashes. I was raised by someone without connection to soul, who was enabled by our entire extended family. When I finally found the strength to say No More, not a single biological relative was there to support this decision. I would love for them to wake up, see truth, and choose love, but I can’t make that choice for them. We can only see what we’re ready to see. The rest of us can only send good energy to their souls to help strengthen them, while keeping a safe distance. Their fear drives them to choose the comfort of blindness, to pretend the dysfunction of personality-driven lives is enough, that being food for the evil is their greatest purpose. I’m a big fan of the popular saying, “do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You are not kindling for the misguided! You have worth. Choosing your health, sanity, and survival is always better than enabling the cruel.

For decades, I told myself that surely the miserable, toxic people around me really did love me, deep down. I didn’t realize until I’d gotten away that they did not. These people don’t love us. They can’t even feel love the way we do. They only want to manipulate us into sticking around for them to use and abuse. They want us to distract them from the void where their soul should be. You are worth more than food. You are not just something for a monster to chew on. Them being unable to love you does not mean you’re not worthy of love! It means they are unable to love you the way you deserve. It means you should leave them to their choices and seek love from those who are able to give it.

There’s really nothing in our culture that reminds us on a daily basis to get in touch with our soul, to do actual self-care, and listen closely to what our intuition tells us. These are the most important things you can possibly do for yourself, hands down. Another saying that applies here is, “secure your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.” Make the choice today, starting right now, to put the wellbeing of your soul first on your priority list. Nothing else matters as much as this. When we are actually taking real care of ourselves, we do a better job at everything else we do. We vibrate positive energy, brightening everything we touch, everyone we encounter. 

I challenge you, reading this, to listen closer to your soul, to let go of anything that’s getting in the way and let your real Self shine through. I promise it will transform your whole life, and quickly! You owe this to yourself. You help heal the whole of Creation by starting right there, with the piece of it that’s inside you.

Love and blessings, friends. 

Dear Reader,
I may not know you personally, but today I want to tell you how proud I am of you that you’re here right now. The world demands a lot from us these days just in existing in it at all. I may not know your specific circumstances, but I do know you’ve made it this far, and that’s pretty spectacular. There are so many forces in the world set on attack mode, and it’s been rough on everyone. Please take a moment and really hear me telling you that you’re doing a good job if you: got out of bed today, or went to work, or got some exercise, or ate something healthy, or were tempted to give yourself a hard time about something and resisted that urge. There are not enough moments in this life in which we’re reminded of how far we’ve come, and how much hard work it took just to get to this time and space. But you did it, and I think you deserve to feel really good about that.

The toxic environment I escaped from after thirty seven years left me with a persistent mind-creature I’ve taken to calling the Doubt Monster. It’s a vicious voice in my head that liked to bare its teeth whenever I began to feel proud of myself, or confident, or hopeful about something I was doing. Whenever things were looking up, instinctively and skillfully this voice worked to bring me back down. My abusive parents intentionally installed this reflex in me in a twisted attempt to feel better about themselves, and it has taken a whole lot of conscious work to dismantle it.

Even if you didn’t also come from a toxic environment like me, there’s a lot in this world that isn’t exactly healthy. Just being here puts you in the firing line. It’s not that difficult to wind up with a tendency to be hard on ourselves.

My Doubt Monster used to be really good at latching on at the slightest inkling of joy or peace. These days, I don’t hear from it as much. But I do keep getting stuck in a broader thinking trap of “But what if I should be doing THIS instead?” It’s an abyss that’s so easy to trip and fall into. Before, I never even considered there was a way to avoid these traps. I’m here to tell you there is. It’s tricky but possible to catch yourself and remember that it’s fear creating those doubts. Phantoms of the mind set pitfalls in our path. It’s something we allowing our minds to do to us; something we fall for.

But there is another choice. We can work to identify those fear traps when we spot them. Calling them out robs them of their power (saying to yourself, “Wait. Stop. That’s only fear talking.” or just “That’s a fear thought.” “That’s an angry thought.”). It sounds like it shouldn’t make a difference, but I invite you to try it and judge for yourself (Confession: this is one of the few things that allows me to side-step road rage in the heat of the moment).

We can choose instead to know we’re fine just the way we are, on the course the universe naturally lays out before us. If something is meant for our life, it will find us. Chasing things/people/situations out of fear is never the solution. We need to stand strong as our natural selves, in our existing centers of power, trusting in them. All we need to do is choose to trust our path, trust in ourselves, trust in the wisdom of the universe.

Affirmations are a big deal in the self-help world, but I feel there is a crucial step missing before trying to use them. We need to look within and really ask ourselves with total sincerity if we believe what we’re saying in the affirmation. For example, if the affirmation is “I trust myself”, first really look deeply within and, in the quiet of your heart, as yourself if this is true. Go ahead. Ask. Then stop and listen to what your gut tells you in reply. Do you trust yourself? Out of everyone in this world, you are who you know best. You are the driver of your life. You are your only constant company in this voyage. Do you trust yourself? Your instincts? Your judgment? Your ability to love yourself and act in a loving way toward yourself? If the answer is yes, grab hold of that truth. Let it swell in your heart, growing it bigger and bigger. Give yourself permission to believe in it with absolute confidence.

If you do not believe it, make it your mission to find out why. Have a private conversation in the quiet of your heart about what you can do to help yourself, to heal yourself and get to a place where you would feel confident in your own voice.

This is a big deal. Most if not all of the world’s problems could be solved if all of us truly trusted in ourselves and loved ourselves the ways in which we’re truly capable. We are our own closest connection to the pure love and absolute wisdom of the Creator Spirit. Our minds (temporary things that serve as our tool in this one, fleeting life of many) set all sorts of traps for our souls as we strive to keep our connection to eternal Spirit strong, and our primary battle on Earth will always be this inner battle to connect to the strength and power of Love. Doubt, fear, anger, jealousy—it spoils everything, if we let it. We do not have to let it. YOU do not have to let it. We have the power to make a different, better choice. Helping yourself helps the world. Loving yourself helps the world. Believe that. Try it out. Love yourself more than you have been, even in seemingly small ways, and see if it changes anything for you. Does it grow your happiness? Your peace? Do some of your worries fall away?

It’s so easy to get distracted from our primary soul issues. We get swept up in the day-to-day noise of, “I have to pick up milk on the way home from work today,” and “I told this person I would do that,” and “I’ve been meaning to get to finally doing this,” or “I don’t think this person shouldn’t be doing that”. Let all of that go. I give you permission. Even if only for a moment or a minute, let it all go. Stop—really stop—and see you’re doing a good job at taking care of yourself, then give yourself permission to do a GREAT job instead. Look for ways to love yourself more.

Even if all you accomplish today is to take better care of yourself, IT IS ENOUGH. And not only is it enough, but you should be actively proud of yourself for it. Kindness starts with how we treat ourselves. Kindness starts right there, in the quiet of your heart. If you can’t be kind there, how could you expect to be kind anywhere else? And if you can’t be kind, why would you expect kindness to find you? We all want kindness. Some of us expect it. We strut around with a kindness entitlement burning away in us. But you get what you give. Start by giving kindness to yourself.

Sending love and blessings your way, friends.

A lot of my aha moments have been clustered together over the past few years. They were all brought on by different types of suffering. These instigators were all things people not only actively avoid, but live in real fear of. What is not widely acknowledged though, especially in our culture of comfort, is that discomfort can breed real wisdom. It’s when we’re truly challenged and thrown way out of our norms that we have the chance to open our eyes. The real trick is to lean into the suffering, allowing yourself to really feel and understand it, rather than dragging it around behind you in an attempt to run away.

The death of my brother taught me many lessons—about death, love, grief, strength, myself, family, friends, our culture, the ties that bind everyone who has experienced true loss, and the beauty in having a real angel by your side. We’re all destined to lose those we love the most. We live in terror of those moments, unavoidable as they are. This fear stems mainly from the false belief that we’re losing them forever. But love bonds eternally. We cannot lose that which is an indelible part of us.

Escaping over three decades of abuse gave me many profound insights about the value of self-love, boundaries, and the misunderstood importance in a loving “no”. Despite what I learned, what I endured was something I’d not wish upon my worst enemy.

My other great teacher has been living in relative isolation—being largely misunderstood or neglected by those closest to me for my whole life. As an INFJ, I’ve always felt like an old soul or a lone wolf. The absence of nurturing in my childhood only perpetuated this feeling. As I’ve aged, I’ve made starkly different choices than those around me—getting married younger than anyone else I know, having kids when I did, being the only person I know to choose to study art, identifying as pansexual long before I discovered there was even a word for it. All of this and more set me on a wildly different path, without anyone ahead of me to show me the way, to give encouragement or advice. My greatest wish has always been to simply have someone to commiserate with. Instead, my insights have always needed to come from within. This has served me well.

My aha moments have taught me invaluable lessons, but have you noticed the pattern in them? Suffering is not something anyone wants to run toward. It’s avoided at all cost. So what is there to do when you’re on the other side of suffering? When you’ve endured it, learned from it, and come out wiser, but bruised?

Do you ask your loved ones to suffer as well, so as to share in your lessons? Wishing them the same pain?

Do you try to use something as small and hollow as words to try and explain your journey? People don’t want to hear about death. They don’t want to hear about child abuse. They don’t want to know what happens when you have no one. The fear of these demons pushes away those you counted on to be there. Human instinct tempts us to put our fingers in our ears and block out painful realities. And even if they do stay, words just don’t cut it. Some things in life just cannot be understood until they are experienced firsthand.

It takes my breath away to know things that I wish I could reveal to others. It’s a tragedy of existence to be shown a truth which expands your heart, mind, and soul, only to be forced to keep it to yourself. Maybe this is something else that is kept secret until you’re standing in its place, but you simply cannot save people from their allotment of suffering. Your words will never be enough to spare them the pain. They need to walk through it themselves. They need to walk their particular path. No one can do it for them.

We are all tasked with saving ourselves. No one else can save you from your troubles. They were given to you for a reason. That reason is so you learn and grow.

But as someone who has faced nightmarish challenges while thinking I’d never get through them, as someone who has experienced profound grief and understood the miracle of it, as someone who looks back on how far I’ve come and been astounded—I can tell you there is so much triumph and peace awaiting you when you get on the other side of it all. Everything—everything—is worth it. Whatever you have to force yourself to face, there will be rewards when you’re done. Fear will be conquered. Your heart will sing. You will be so very grateful.

But no one can tell you how to get there, or what it will really be like as you’re down in the trenches. You’ve got to see it for yourself.

That’s the whole point. We’re each on solo missions, side-by-side. Your mission is unique, because you are unique. Support is there if you need to reach for it, but every one of the steps you must take can only be made by you.

So, hang in there friends. Do what your mind tells you to be afraid to do, and listen to your heart instead. Because the strength of the heart is always greater than the illusory fear of the mind. Have faith.